How to understand your child?
What if you can not take some of its features?
How is it to be?
Why do you need to take your child.
Every parent sooner or later therethe question of why their child behaves in one way or another. Sometimes the child (especially in adolescence) behaves exactly as we do not like the most, and to reach an understanding, in these cases it is very difficult.
To answer these questions, we propose to consider the relationship with the children in terms of adoption.
What is adoption and what is its value in terms of relationships with children?
Adoption - this attitude, and behaviors. Accept the other person as he is, - so take it in all its uniqueness and originality, do not attempt to alter it in anything that we do not like. It often happens that a certain person causes us sympathy, despite its shortcomings. Typically, such people have formed mutual understanding.
But the decision - it is rather not even sympathy, butallowing another person to be the way it was created. It is the recognition of its right to be unique, to have their convictions (other than ours) and, of course, permission to make mistakes and go their own way through life.
Everyone wants to be acceptedfor what it is, whether it is a child or an adult. However, for a child it is much more important, because it is formed worldview and attitude towards themselves and others.
Adoption is one of the most important facetscommunication. Quite often we do not like something in the other, and we are ready to remodel and change to conform to our expectations. The greatest "temptation" arises in relation to our family and friends, and especially towards our children.
One of the main objectives of the parents isChildren, that is a variation of what it is, because we believe it is necessary. And always there is that we believe it is necessary, is that really necessary for the child to get older, the definition of their place in society and in order to be happy? Do we always satisfy one of the most important needs of the child - the need to take?
Before us, dear parents, always risesthe question of how to raise the child (that is, to instill the necessary ideas, the quality and standards of behavior, to change it), while recognizing its critical needs. And sometimes it is very difficult. On the one hand, love and acceptance of the child as he is and whatever he did, on the other hand, there is a constant task of education - form an identity is not somehow, and that it was a full-fledged member of society, correctly and adequately adapted to the environment environment and realizing their potential.
To understand this situation, it is necessary to allocate one more important, no matter how hard to do it.
In our view, the importance of superiorthe importance of forming the necessary qualities and standards of conduct. Adoption - this is a basic human need, and it identifies even more, not what man can achieve, having certain qualities, and the ability to change and develop the different qualities. After all, if I took a kid any, I have a much better chance to realize themselves in this life, I'm not so rigidly tied to specific behaviors.
Here is an example. If I bring up only as a hard man, then maybe I will achieve great success in business, because in this area often requires uncompromising. And if I take any (in all my forms), I can be tough and compliant, depending on what is appropriate in a given situation. That is, I will have one more degree of freedom. And this is very important, since further increases my chances of success.
In our opinion, it is possible combination of these two opposing objectives, which in the beginning, of course, conditional, we have defined as "Acceptance" and "Education". Or even a compound but rather a reconciliation.
Reconciliation is possible if the adoptionthe child is given a more important role compared with other tasks. It was then created the most favorable situation, which provides development of the child.
In this case, parents act asgardener who lovingly takes care of his garden and flowers, directs their growth in the right direction, given the nature, sometimes even cuts them than to allow them to reveal their unique originality and beauty. And here is one very significant thing. This allows the gardener to grow a rose bush in the rose bush, rather than trying to convert it into a bush of black currant. Gardener gets great results if you respect the right of bush roses on the uniqueness and the right to follow its natural path of development.
This approach is the uniqueness that brings the child initially, supplemented by the efforts of parents, opens and brings excellent results.
However, unfortunately, this is not always the case. What happens if you change the baby, ignoring his need for acceptance? That is, if the education of the necessary qualities of character is ahead of the adoption?
In this case, we will inevitably find ourselves insituation, when we start to change in the child that does not like us personally. Let's call such education upbringing of discontent point, ie such education, the source of which is what we like or do not like in yourself or in others.
For example, you do not like modesty. Well, it irritates and annoys you. You are used to fighting people, and all seek in life. In themselves and others you like qualities such as confidence, assertiveness, courage in decision-making, and you do not like the opposite quality (lack of confidence, shyness, etc.). When you have a child, you naturally start within education "prune" in it, these character traits, such as shyness and timidity. And now notice a difference. It is very important. You can educate and instill the child confidence and assertiveness, and you can "wean" him from shyness, relatively speaking, to scold and punish him when he manifests this quality.
The first - an education in whichIt satisfied the need of the child in the adoption, and the second - this is the action from the point of dissatisfaction. What if this happens? If you do not take any quality in yourself, then you do not take it in your child. Generally speaking, if you do not like rudeness, then in your child, you will not tolerate it. However, not taking this trait in a child and struggling with it, you commit a child to her. And once you have recorded on the child as such, that sometimes it is his, and he begins to show.
What happens? He becomes just the fact that you do not like and do not accept. So, helpless children often grow up in strong and strong-willed parents. And here the key, again, is in the making.
And now look at what results we get, raising a child from the point of dissatisfaction.
Here are three basic reactions to such influences.
1, protection (child protected, reduces emotional contact and goes either to themselves or to some of his interests).
2.; Spite do the opposite.
3; to subordinate (especially if the parents are authoritarian).
Such reactions are due to the fact that the actions offrom the point of discontent infringe the freedom of the original child (because children, especially under 10 years, great feel, whether it is based on an action of acceptance or it comes from the dissatisfaction with the point). Actions of discontent in terms infringe the child's right to be unique, be yourself.
And, of course, the response to such education can not be productive.
By the way, it is very easy to identify them, from what point we operate.
If you carefully follow the logic of this, we can see that the unconditional acceptance obstacle is that we do not accept in ourselves and in others.
And here no longer do without introspection. After realizing that I do not and will not accept in ourselves and in the world, difficult to track, when we act from the decision point, and when the point of dissatisfaction.
Since you can take your child?
Let's try to do one exercise. It requires observation and sincerity.
Remember 7-12 people from your inner circle. Write on a blank sheet of paper: "I do not like in the surrounding people and in myself ....".
Now, sit down in a quiet environment,Relax, take a sheet and answer this question. The answer may even be a list. Try to really understand and remember the important thing is that you do not accept in yourself and others.
It is advisable not to do this exercise mentally,and in fact. Now look at your list. Suppose it has such features as optional, shyness, etc. Does your list of something that you do not take in your child? Are you irritated, seeing in it a manifestation of, for example, shyness or optional?
If this happens, then you mayyou just need to separate your discontent and what you dislike in others and in yourself by how you educate your child. Or not even separate (because such qualities may actually be undesirable), but rather to dissolve what you do not like yourself, and how to be your child. Generally speaking, if you realize that modesty - it is an unacceptable feature is for you (and in fact it can be very necessary and useful), then you will already allow the child to be assertive and humble. The very understanding will help you get closer and find common ground.
But that is not all. In life, may be situations when you will notice that behave in the old way. For example, you will notice that there is still annoyed at certain manifestations of your child, and still have a desire to them to "remove" one way or another. What to do then?
Specific recommendations can not be here. All all different. Probably, there will have to think about why you do not like this or that manifestation (you can see a specialist), or simply to be attentive to what you are experiencing at the moment.
When you find yourself on the fact that just about readybegin to rebuild the child from the point of discontent, you have the opportunity to stop, take a breath and do something else. If you change your external behavior several times, then bring up the habit of discontent will take the point that will guarantee the development and strengthening of the warm and sincere relations.
Good luck to you, dear parents!
AV Prokofiev Psychologist