How to understand your child?
What if you can not take any of its features?
How to deal with this?
Why take your child.
Every parent sooner or laterThe question of why his child behaves in one way or another. Sometimes a child (especially in adolescence) behaves exactly the way that we do not like the most, and it is very difficult to reach mutual understanding in these cases.
To answer these questions, we propose to consider relations with children in terms of adoption.
What is acceptance and what is its value in terms of relationships with children?
Acceptance is both an attitude and a style of behavior. To accept another person as he is is to perceive another person in all his uniqueness and uniqueness, without trying to alter anything in him that we do not like. It often happens that a certain person causes us sympathy, despite his shortcomings. As a rule, we have mutual understanding with such people.
But acceptance is rather not even sympathy, butAllowing another person to be the way he was created. It is recognition of his right to be unique, to have his own convictions (different from ours) and, undoubtedly, permission to make his mistakes and go his own way through life.
Every person wants to be acceptedSuch as it is, regardless of whether it is a child or an adult. However, for a child this is much more important, as his worldview and attitude to himself and others are formed.
Adoption is one of the most important facetsCommunication. Quite often, we do not like something in others, and we are ready to alter and change them to meet our expectations. The greatest "temptation" arises in relation to our relatives and friends, and, especially, in relation to our children.
One of the main goals of parents is toThe upbringing of a child, that is, a change in what is in it what we consider necessary. And is it always what we deem necessary that is really what a child needs for growing up, determining his place in society and for making him happy? Do we always meet one of the most important needs of the child - the need for acceptance?
Before us, dear parents, always gets upThe question of how to educate a child (that is, to instill the necessary thoughts, qualities and norms of behavior, to change it) while recognizing his most important needs. And sometimes it is very difficult. On the one hand, the love and acceptance of the child as he is and whatever he does, and on the other hand, there is a constant task of education - to form a personality, not as if, but to be a full member of society, properly and adequately adapted to the environment Environment and realizing its potential.
In order to understand this situation, it is necessary to distinguish from them more important, no matter how difficult it is to do so.
In our opinion, the importance of acceptance is superiorThe importance of forming the necessary qualities and norms of behavior. Adoption is the basic need of a person, and it determines, rather, not what a person can achieve by possessing certain qualities, but the ability to change and develop different qualities in oneself. After all, if I was accepted as a child by anyone, I have a much better chance of realizing myself in this life, I'm not so rigidly attached to certain forms of behavior.
Let us give an example. If I am brought up only as a hard man, then perhaps I will achieve great success in business, because in this area often uncompromising. And if I am accepted by anyone (in all my manifestations), I can be both rigid and compliant depending on what is expedient in this or that situation. That is, I will have another degree of freedom. And this is very important, since it increases my chances of success even more.
In our opinion, it is possible to combine these two opposite tasks, which, of course, at the beginning were conditional, we defined as "Acceptance" and "Education". Or not even a connection, but rather a reconciliation.
Reconciliation becomes possible if acceptanceThe child is given a more important place in comparison with other tasks. It is then that the most favorable situation is created that ensures the development of the child.
In this case, parents act asA gardener who cares carefully for his garden and flowers, directs their growth in the right direction, given by nature, sometimes even undercuts them, which allows them to reveal their unique uniqueness and beauty. And here one thing is very important. This gardener allows the rose bush to grow into a rose bush, and does not try to remodel it into a black currant bush. The gardener obtains excellent results if he respects the right of the rose bush to uniqueness and the right to follow his natural path of development.
With this approach, that uniqueness that the child carries in itself initially, supplemented by the efforts of the parents, reveals itself and brings excellent fruits.
However, unfortunately, this is not always the case. What happens if the child is changed, ignoring his need for acceptance? That is, if the education of the necessary qualities of character goes ahead of adoption?
In this case, we inevitably find ourselves inSituation, when we begin to change in the child something that we do not personally like. Let's call such upbringing education from the point of discontent, that is, education, the source of which is something that we like or do not like in ourselves or in people.
For example, you do not like modesty. Well, it makes you nervous and annoying. You are a fighting man and used to achieve everything in life. In yourself and others, you love such qualities as confidence, assertiveness, courage in decision-making, and you do not like the opposite qualities (uncertainty, shyness, etc.). When you have a child, you, of course, begin to "cut" in this education these traits of character, such as shyness and shyness. And now notice one difference. It is very important. You can educate and instill confidence and assertiveness in your child, and you can "wean" him from shyness, conditionally speaking, scold and punish him when he shows this quality.
The first is education, in whichThe child's need for acceptance is satisfied, and the second is precisely the action from the point of discontent. What does this mean? If you do not take any quality in yourself, then you will not take it in your child. Relatively speaking, if you do not like rudeness, then in your child you will not tolerate it. But, without taking this feature in the child and fighting it, you fix the child on it. And since you have recorded the child in this capacity, sometimes it is he who begins to manifest it.
What happens? He becomes exactly what you do not love and do not accept. So, strong and strong-willed parents often grow limp children. And here the key, again, is in acceptance.
And now we will consider what results we receive, raising the child from the point of discontent.
Here are three main reactions to such influences.
1. Protection (the child defends, reduces emotional contact and goes either to himself or to some of his own interests).
2. I'll do the opposite.
3. I will obey (especially if the parents are authoritarian).
Such reactions are due to the fact that actionsFrom the point of discontent infringe on the original freedom of the child (in fact children, especially up to 10 years, perfectly feel whether this or that action comes from acceptance or it proceeds from the point of discontent). Actions from the point of discontent infringe the child's right to be unique, to be himself.
And, of course, reactions to such upbringing can not be productive.
By the way, it's very easy to determine from which point we act.
If you carefully follow this logic, you can see that the obstacle to unconditional acceptance is that we ourselves do not accept in ourselves and in others.
And here you can not do without introspection. After all, without realizing that I do not like and do not accept in myself and in the world, it is difficult to track when we act from the point of acceptance, and when from the point of discontent.
So how can you accept your child?
Let's try one exercise. It will require observation and sincerity.
Remember 7-12 people from your inner circle. Write on a blank sheet of paper: "I do not like in surrounding people and in myself ....".
And now sit in a quiet environment,Relax, take a sheet and answer this question. The answer may even be a whole list. Try to really remember and understand the main thing that you do not accept in yourself and others.
It is advisable to do this exercise not mentally,and in fact. And now look at your list. Suppose there are qualities in it such as non-mandatory, shyness, etc. Is there anything on your list that you do not take in your child? Are you annoyed by seeing manifestations in it, for example, shyness or non-compulsion?
If this happens, then perhaps youYou just need to separate your discontent and what you do not like in others and in yourself from how you raise your child. Or even not to separate (after all, such qualities may actually be undesirable), but rather to dissolve what you do not like and how your child should be. Relatively speaking, if you understand that modesty is an unacceptable feature for you (and in general it can be very useful and useful), then you will already allow the child to be both assertive and modest. The very understanding will help you become closer and find mutual understanding.
But that is not all. In life, there may be situations when you notice that you behave in the old way. For example, you will notice that you are still annoyed at certain manifestations of your child, and there is still a desire to "clean" them in one way or another. What to do then?
There can be no specific recommendation here. All are different. Probably, you will have to think about why you do not like this or that manifestation (for this you can turn to a specialist) or just be attentive to what you are experiencing at the moment.
When you catch yourself on what's about to be readyStart rebuilding the child from the point of discontent, you have the opportunity to stop, take a breath and do something else. If you change your external behavior several times, then the habit of educating from the point of discontent will go away, which will become the key to the development and strengthening of warm and spiritual relationships.
Good luck to you, dear parents!
Psychologist Prokofiev A.V.